In 2009, I walked through the lobby of a Vegas casino, asking strangers questions like, “Excuse me, do you know what city we’re in?” and “Have you seen my inner peace? I can’t find it.“
No, I hadn’t completely lost my marbles; although, that’s what I was trying to convince the other casino-goers. I was completing an assignment for a conference I attended, given by Steve Pavlina. His theory is that courage is a muscle. And just like any muscle, it needs regular exercise to maintain its effectiveness. Also like any muscle, if you’ve neglected it for a long time, you’re going to have to start small. And that was his intent in sending us out into the casino to say ludicrous things to complete strangers. Although there was little real risk to the exercise, making a fool of one’s self doesn’t come easy to many people. Putting our egos on the line made us lift that first, tiny dumbbell of courage.
Fast-forward a year and a half, and (largely thanks to that same conference), I’ve discovered that I want to be a photographer, and I’m hell-bent on pursuing that goal. As I mentioned in my introductory blog post for this series, my day job requires that I sit in front of a computer all day, and as a result my social skills have suffered. In-person interactions I do have at work are primarily one-on-one, and since most of my photography shoots are one-on-one, the social issue isn’t usually a problem; however, earlier this year I was asked to shoot a small courthouse wedding and reception. Although this was something that frightened me, my passion for photography overrode my fears, and I agreed to shoot the ceremony.
In the weeks before the wedding, I stumbled across a TV show on Netflix, called Obsessed. It’s an A&E series which focuses on “regular folks whose lives are made far from regular by anxiety disorders– illuminating both the disease and the therapy that can provide relief.” This intrigued me, because I don’t feel my anxiety is at a level that merits medication, and I am committed to finding a non-pharmaceutical solution. After watching an episode, I was both comforted that I am not alone in experiencing anxiety that can interfere with daily activities, and also grateful that my own issues didn’t compare in intensity or depth to those spotlighted on the show. But most of all, I was blown away by the results!
The therapy demonstrated and proven to provide relief is impressively successful, but not in any way easy. It’s called “exposure therapy”, and it is nothing more complex than taking on the anxiety causing agent, or facing ones fears, in controlled steps, increasing in intensity over time, until a tolerance is developed to the pain, anxiety, or fear. The difficulty of this process should not be underestimated. Watching the patients on the show repeatedly confront their anxieties was unpleasant at best, but seeing them ultimately succeed was beyond inspiring.
When the day of the wedding shoot approached, I was nervous… I was uncomfortable… but I did my best. (And, in retrospect, I got great photos. ;P ) However, in the break between the ceremony and the reception, the stress nearly cracked me. The intensity of the anxiety from the social, artistic, performance, and business demands of the day had me seriously questioning whether I might need to use anti-anxiety medications to function in normal social situations. But then I remembered Obsessed. I remembered the incredibly difficult commitment the patients made; the consistent, strenuous effort they had to put in; the awful frustration they suffered; and the dramatic, life-changing success they ultimately experienced. And I realized then that I was doing exactly what I needed to: I was enforcing my own exposure therapy.
The reception wasn’t easy. In fact, when it was all over, I got into my car and cried from the buildup of tension and stress. But shortly after that initial release of pain, I was overcome with a wave of satisfaction. It had been incredibly difficult for me, yet I had done it. I had faced it. I had succeeded. And from what I’ve learned, each subsequent time gets at least a little easier, until someday, it’s not so daunting anymore.
You have to know that facing your fears is a process, and not a quick fix. It will not be easy. There are going to be moments of extreme discomfort, but if you’re willing to put in the blood, sweat, and tears, there is freedom on the horizon. And if you’re like me, that idea of freedom seems worth all the temporary discomfort, however awful it may be in the moment.
Here are a few simple tips for beginning your own exposure therapy:
- Start small. When I first returned from the conference and boldly tried to face my fears, I started too big, and quickly got discouraged. Remember you need to start building the muscle where it is now, and eventually you’ll be able to lift the heavier weights.
- Connect it with something you’re passionate about. While I wanted to resolve my social ineptitude, I couldn’t convince myself to get out in social situations simply for the purpose of overcoming my fears. But because photography is my passion, I was willing to endure the social gauntlet for the sake of doing what I love. If you can link something that naturally drives and motivates you with the thing you fear, it will not only help you keep returning when it’s rough, it also adds a positive balance to the difficult situation itself.
- Give yourself permission to hurt. Part of exposure therapy is feeling and experiencing the depth of your own response. With anxiety, we build up suppositions about how the agent of fear will affect us, and it’s important to see and acknowledge what really happens. For me, it was important to cry, to experience the pain that the social tension caused, if only because when it ended, I realized that (silly as it sounds) I was still alive, and hadn’t truly lost anything in the experience. In fact, when the sense of accomplishment came, I realized that it overpowered the pain. But the experience would not have had the same effect, had I not truly let myself feel the pain first.
- Celebrate each victory. Don’t downplay what the success means to you. Sure, it might be easy for others to do what you just accomplished, but it wasn’t easy for you. Comparing yourself to others isn’t going to do anything but invalidate the effort you put in. Each little victory puts you one step closer to freedom. And freedom is a beautiful thing.
Of course, please keep in mind that I am not a doctor, psychologist, or therapist. If you have severe anxiety, and you need help with the process of exposure therapy and facing your fears, please contact a trained therapist for help.
I am on my way, following these steps and facing my fears. I have already had other experiences of pain and joy that I will share soon, and I will continue to share the journey as it unfolds.
